On April 8, 1994, Kurt Cobain, the lead singer and guitarist of the grunge band Nirvana, was found dead at his home in Seattle, Washington. The determination was death by suicide three days prior to the discovery of the body; i.e. on April 5th*. The city examiner’s press release noted, “Kurt Cobain was found with a shotgun across his body, had a visible head wound and there was a suicide note discovered nearby.”
*This April the 5th is the 25th Anniversary of Kurt Cobain’s Death**.
**Although neither my novel nor this post was written with this in mind, I offer up this revised post in humble homage. Although Kurt Cobain’s death is tragic, I ultimately prefer to remember the musician for his music, rather than for his personal torments. (Images viewable on Full Site View)
The date on which the novel Dressing Stone opens is March 21, 1994, some 15 days before Kurt Cobain’s death, and 18 days before his body was discovered and announced as a suicide to the public. Nina Brown (the nanny) is a hardcore punk and grunge devotee hailing from Seattle. As with many Seattleites of the day, she sees Nirvana, and especially Kurt Cobain as part of her extended family.
See Related Post: It’s Been 25 Years: Excerpt from novel. Coming April 1
Kurt Cobain’s writings
Along with his songs, I studied Cobain’s suicide note closely, not for purposes of sniffing out any murder conspiracy, but for use as a style guide for all things Grunge, and many things Seattle. The behaviour and speech patterns of Nina and her like-minded associates from Seattle are informed by the words, phraseologies, and belief systems I was able to extract from Cobain’s various ramblings. The transcribed text of the suicide note is included below for interested readers. In my opinion, reading the typed version of the note makes Kurt seem less psychotic than when reading the crimped and scratched up handwritten version. See what you think: Try sampling some of the hand written version (images viewable on Full Site View) before reading the transcribed text. I personally find reading the handwritten version quite painful.
Cobain’s Death Spawns Conspiracy Theories
As asserted in various books, documentaries and websites, at the time many believed the note found at the scene was a journal entry that was doctored to affirm that Kurt intended to take his own life. In the note he wrote about his feelings of depression and alienation, and speaks with candor of his many frustrations as a performer, being genuine, appreciating his life, and just being human. (There are other writings that exist where he rambles on in a similar manner, so this is not exclusive to the suicide note.)
The lines at the very bottom of the note are the only words implying suicide, and they hit with such a slight impact they practically require a body to confirm the intention. Furthermore, due to the manner in which the final lines are written, appearing very much as an afterthought, and almost as if in another hand, it is easy to see how they provoked so much suspicion.
An Idea in the Wind
At the time of Kurt’s death, the general chatter among fans instantly pointed the finger at Courtney Love, sometimes referred to as Nirvana’s Yoko or Cobain’s Yoko. The conspiracy appears to have been born fully grown on the very day Kurt’s body was discovered. The idea in the wind that propelled this belief was that Kurt wanted to divorce Courtney, and that the note was actually a letter written by Cobain announcing his intent to leave his wife, and maybe even the music business.
It has been asserted (in various books, documentaries and websites) that Cobain’s attorney, Rosemary Carroll, called for an investigation as early as April 13, 1994. Her claim was that Cobain was not suicidal, that on the contrary, he had asked her to draw up a will excluding Courtney Love from any inheritance, because he was planning to file for a divorce. This has been put forward by many as a motive for murder. I have seen no proof put forth that verifies Ms. Carroll’s claim.
A Simpler Explanation
On the other hand Kurt required hospitalization for an overdose while on tour in Rome a month before his death. It was generally known among his followers he often talked about suicide. He even said that suicide ran in his family and that it was probably how he would meet his end. With respect to the anomalies in the note, it appears to be the handwriting of someone who never followed through on their calligraphic exercise assignments while in school. Speaking personally, the style of us untrained calligraphists can pretty much range all over the map depending on mood or time of day.
My take is that Kurt woke up that sad day with the realization that the surest way to achieve the penultimate Rocker Immorality was to follow in the footsteps of Janis J. and Jimmy H. and Jim M. He had recently turned 27, the very age his idols were when they died, and so he was thunderstruck by a sudden and irresistible solution to his pain: This is the end. My only friend, the end.
Photocopy of the Suicide Note found by Police:
Boddah is an imaginary playmate Kurt had (and apparently kept) since childhood.
***************
The Transcribed Suicide Note of Kurt Cobain
To Boddah
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.
All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven’t felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guity beyond words about these things.
For example when we’re back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn’t affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can’t fool you, any one of you. It simply isn’t fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I’m having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I’ve tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it’s not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. I must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they’re gone. I’m too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.
On our last 3 tours, I’ve had a much better appreciation for all the people I’ve known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can’t get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There’s good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don’t you just enjoy it? I don’t know!
I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can’t stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I’ve become.
I have it good, very good, and I’m grateful, but since the age of seven, I’ve become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.
Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I’m too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don’t have the passion anymore, and so remember, it’s better to burn out than to fade away.
Peace, love, empathy.
Kurt Cobain
The words some assert were added to make the preceding appear to be a suicide note:
Frances and Courtney, I’ll be at your alter.
Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!
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